My Memoir to Mindfulness

Blog #3 (March 10, 2024)

I provide this audio for those who have difficulty focusing; I understand that this is a longer piece than usual. I highly recommend you to read the blog on your own later on, as I include visual cues and pictures from my personal collections at the end. I have also hyperlinked topics that you may wish to further read about at a later time. I hope you enjoy~

The year 2023 had been mercurial to say the least, for me. While it was a continuation of focus and grind, it was also full of moments where I jumped into muddy puddles of contemplation and reflection. I’ve taken a lot of perspective pauses to remind myself to slow down, affirm progress, and have given myself permission to pivot for the better. Despite some up’s and down’s, I felt weirdly prepared—as if all the unique experiences in my life (the good, bad, and the between) have taught me great composure and flexibility. I feel incredibly thankful for my upbringing and support systems that have been my pillars to lean on and lift me up—not just in times of need, but also in times of maintenance and celebrations.

Stagnancy scares me.

We often hear the phrase, “Stop and smell the roses.” However, my honest automatic response is, “… For how long, though?” How long am I supposed to “smell” these roses before being able to continue strolling…? Frankly, it’s often more like a powerwalk, to the point where my head juts out of my neck, as my legs are not quick enough for the speed I’d like to match just to pass as normal-New-Yorker- speed. I often have to recalibrate my posture as I’m speed walking.

I can feel myself turning into an eastern long-necked turtle out on the streets. I find such metamorphosis hilarious— It seems quite symbolic that my head always wants to be a few steps ahead of my body. I realize I am being a classic INTJ (in terms of the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator), as I am very future-oriented and like to strategize plans at a 100 mph. Ideally, I’d like precise details on what the next steps are and like to ensure that I have exercised all possibilities within my own autonomy to get closer to my big goals. However, I learned early on that this is not always possible; life is often unpredictable and out-of-control. Thus, it’s best to not add the burden of worries and mental rehearsals prior to everything happening.

Sometimes, despite trying our best, things don’t work out. And sometimes, certain things come to us with ease. But that shouldn’t stop us from putting our best foot forward. This helps us grow and diminish regrets. Besides, worrying more does not magically decrease the chances of something bad happening in the future. And why stress now, when it hasn’t even happened yet? Trust me– you will have plenty of time to stress or problem-solve later when the time comes! Why live there now?

It’s also likely that other important parts of our lives are being neglected when we are so fixated on one goal or outcome.

I firmly believe in the phrase, “practice what you preach.” When I find myself wanting to sprint through the pathways without smelling all the roses or daffodils and whatnot– I often ask myself to bring awareness to my brain and body being so used to the hustle. I realized that my body and mind have been so accustomed to this rush within “survival mode,” that even stability can feel boring or stagnant. If I were the client, I’d challenge them to sit in this discomfort as we accept moments of leisure and reflect on our own defined version of “success.” Thus, I know how difficult it is to truly practice this to fruition.

I recall a light bulb going off when my high school English teacher started his lessons on Existentialism. Soren Kierkegaard, Franz Kafka, and Albert Camus really helped me make sense of all the chaos as an angsty adolescent, filled with ennui. I then merged my interpretations of Existentialism and my other love, Stoicism to deepen my understanding of our existence in this society. Such bodies of philosophies challenged me to practice my agency and minimize the victimization and ruminating thoughts of the what if’s, should’ves, could’ves, and why’s.

Life is truly absurd.

And while some may argue that the core philosophy of Existentialism is “Life is meaningless,” I am so glad that my teenage brain at the time interpreted this angsty philosophy as, “Yes, life is meaningless… So why not enjoy it? And how can I add value to it in my own way while I’m here in this world?”

In colloquial terms– “It’s not that deep,” or “Yes, and?”

Whenever something unfortunate happened, I no longer saw this as some form of “sign,” or “punishment.” Instead, I ensured to take the time to rest from any set-back to help me keep moving forward. Accepting the current cards we are dealt with is the first step for us to be able to heal and make changes. I know my existential-stoicism is showing when I say this, but… Even within this absurd world, we have power in this existence; we can try our best to steer ourselves as closely as we want to our goals.

We can either be the barrier or the key to change in our lives.

One of the skills that I practice regularly to keep focus on the here-and-now is, MINDFULNESS.

Many may conjure up an image of a crunchy- granola-yoga instructor sitting, mewing “Oms” and ringing gongs with the words, “mindfulness” and “meditation.” However, it can be demonstrated in a variety of ways. And while there are differences between MINDFULNESS and MEDITATION, I like to doggedly argue that they have similar goals—to focus on the present, improve metacognition, and to alter or calm the mind. Hence, you may notice me using these two terms interchangeably throughout this blog. I know—cry me a river!

I recall my professor in “Intro to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy” during my graduate studies in this stream-of-consciousness. He used to always start his classes with meditation or mindfulness practice. This made perfect sense, as Mindfulness is one of the four pillars of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, as one needs to gain awareness of one’s own thoughts to make any changes in their behaviors or thinking patterns. Frankly at first, I was not a fan… And before you start calling me a hypocrite for having been certified as a DBT-clinician– I soon realized within the third day or so that this was because I was not very good at practicing meditation, myself. My mind was noisy and cluttered oftentimes. I was also judging myself for getting distracted. Not being good at something immediately from the get-go brought discomfort. But over time, I was able to practice self-compassion and tend my ego to build stronger muscles for this skill. And as you can see, I’m totally on the bandwagon with mindfulness! I promote this powerful practice to many of my patients, colleagues, family, and friends, now.

For those who are not familiar with DBT, this modality is an evidence-based treatment developed by Marsha Linehan in the late 1970s. As of date, it is the only empirically supported modality to treat individuals with BPD (borderline personality disorder). While DBT was originally created for BPD treatment, it has been adopted and utilized for folks who may not meet DSM-V criteria of BPD, but still struggle with symptoms of low self-esteem, impulsive behaviors, intense mood swings, and/or those who struggle with interpersonal relationships.

I personally think that DBT-based interventions are useful for everyone— Especially within the context of our generation that has normalized “toxic” behaviors such as avoidance and detachment. This naturally develops more anxiously-attached people, as well. Thus, more people are struggling to connect with other human beings due to such shifts in our generation and culture.

I often feel like one of the culprits that have normalized and exacerbated maladaptive thinking styles + behaviors is social media. While social media can be used to “connect” with others, it has now been abused to the point in which some people have more parasocial relationships than true reciprocal friendships. Despite some people arguing that parasocial relationships cultivate a sense of belonging and connection to others, I believe that it creates false narratives in one’s head… In other words—everyone is “delulu” now. One feels connected to this other individual, as one seemingly has “intimate” access to this individual’s life and interests. However, it’s all an illusion, as such “access” was carefully curated for the viewers. It’s all a façade.

Although the phenomenon of “parasocial relationship” was initially coined to be used for celebrities and/or media-folks, it has spilled into how we navigate our relationships with people “in real life,” too. Having this false “access” to others’ intimate lives breeds more competition, insecurity, loneliness, poor communication skills, and poor impulse control. If we can have access into someone’s life so readily available, investing time and energy to get to know someone and cultivate meaningful relationships with them seems like a chore. I feel that people are lonelier than ever today. We live in an era of short-term gratification. Modern settings have reared us into constant comparison and rumination about the future. There is a lack of mindfulness and intent these days. This is another reason why I think honing the skills of mindfulness and meta-cognition is so vital to stay healthy today.

I know I digress, but…

I realize while writing this blog that, providing further context on DBT-based interventions gives an authentic insight into how/why I became so passionate about mindfulness. I’ve seen how it can positively impact our lives emotionally and physically.

While DBT treatment is multi-faceted and highly structured (with manuals, timelines, homework, worksheets, group and individual therapy, peer supervision, etc.), I like to introduce it to my patients in this palatable manner:

As the name implies within itself, “dialectical” refers to two opposing components coming together. This can be a clash at times, but just like in nature, we can have two contrasting ideas (or feelings) existing in the same space.

Example #1: When a dear coworker tells you that they are taking a new role at another company, you may have two opposing feelings, too:

Feeling sad that you are losing a coworker.
Feeling happy for them, as they will be exploring their new endeavors.

This can be summed up in feeling “bittersweet.” There are plenty of moments where dialectics play in our lives. Two things can be true simultaneously. We can have complex feelings about something and that’s valid.

In DBT, the two “dialectics” are:

Acceptance & Change

It’s not just about accepting and being complacent in our lives… And it’s not just about being in denial and trying to change everything rashly. DBT emphasizes that, without accepting where we are in life and making peace with how we are feeling (no matter how uncomfortable), we cannot move forward to make changes for the better. Similar to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), we view emotions neutrally; we can also try our best to think with our “wise mind,” which is where the “emotional mind” and “rational mind” intersect– the sweet spot.

Example #2: When an individual learns of his terminal illness, there can be different ways of managing such circumstances:

He stays in denial of his diagnosis. Thus, he continues feeling angry and confused why this is happening to him.
He is unable to make changes in his life and spirals. He proceeds to go to countless medical doctors for second, third, fourth opinions, despite the same diagnosis… He becomes significantly restless, depressed, and hopeless. He starts isolating himself from his social supports.

VERSUS:

After allowing himself to grieve over this news, he comes to ACCEPT his diagnosis.
He feels ready to make CHANGES in his lifestyle (e.g. diet, exercise, stress management, medical compliance) and looks for ways in how he can live the rest of his life comfortably and meaningfully with loved ones. He is appreciative of his life and decides to celebrate his past and complete his bucket-list items.

In theory, it may sound simple.

However, skills like mindfulness and metacognition must be consistently exercised for us to be able to engage in this form of thinking and behaving. And another important part of this process is being compassionate and non-judgmental throughout. As mentioned in my Blog #2, neuroplasticity is a huge player here, again. Evidence has shown that practicing new habits such as, mindfulness and meditation on a routine basis changes one’s brain. Understanding the neuroscience and psychology behind how new behaviors overtime alter the brain can help us feel more confident and motivated about taking the first steps to change.

“Psychologist Deann Ware, Ph.D., explains that when brain cells communicate frequently, the connection between them strengthens and ‘the messages that travel the same pathway in the brain over and over begin to transmit faster and faster.’ With enough repetition, these behaviors become automatic. Reading, driving, and riding a bike are examples of complicated behaviors that we do automatically because neural pathways have formed.”
Julie Hani, RN, BSN, BA, CDE (Fit4D)

Studies have shown that mindfulness can assist with:

Stress, Anxiety, and Depression
High Blood Pressure
Pain Management
Insomnia and Sleep Quality
Substance Use disorder
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Weight Control and Eating Behavior
Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Looking back, I realize I have unconsciously AND deliberately weaved mindfulness into my routine in sneaky ways over the years.

When I was little, my maternal grandmother used to sit me down at the dining room table after our weekly family dinners and peel fruit as dessert. She used to tell me that knowing how to peel/cut fruits is an important skill. She put emphasis on how it can bring the family together. I would watch my grandmother and mother taking bites of the leftover cores, as the rest of the family members grabbed slices of the fruit that they had just freshly peeled and sliced. I often admired how uniform the slices of Asian pears or apples were. They were always served on beautiful plates and dainty two-pronged fruit forks. I’d also watch my mother peel yellow Korean melons in the summer—delicately scooping out the seeds in the middle and letting me have the first bite of this nectar-filled fruit.

This act of handling fruits was highly communal, and it revolved around what can be considered as, “act of service.” It was a way of showing love and affection, as it took careful time and effort to tend to/feed others.

I found the swirls of the apple peels hypnotic and the crispy sounds of the knife brushing the flesh of the fruit peaceful. To me, it was perhaps the same level of satisfaction I felt from hearing the squeaky sounds of fresh snow underneath my boots in the winter.

It naturally occurred to me over time that even after emigrating to the U.S. from Korea and having developed into an adult, I found this act of preparing fruit to be a mindfulness practice to me.

All five senses were being stimulated: touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste.

I then started deliberately designating my time preparing fruit into a mindfulness ritual. While I am peeling and cutting fruit, I am solely focused on the sensations and the act of this activity. It helps that I often have to be precise with sharp tools or delicate membranes of the fruit peels. It’s hard to ruminate on the past or future when we are so honed-in something. Here I am now, letting my noisy mind have some silence and peace. There is no judgement as I participate in this non-striving activity. The only goal is to simply enjoy the fruit. A lovely two-in-one activity, where I get to practice mindfulness and relish in snack time!

Some of my favorite items to prepare are pomegranates and grapefruits. While having to separate the membranes/peels of the fruit, it’s hard to think about other things. They pose a challenge but the reward is worth it. As I always say…

Good things take time.

And as mentioned at the beginning of this blog, mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, other than guided meditations. We can incorporate mindfulness into the daily activities or hobbies that we already do “mindlessly.” And while I find peace in preparing fruit, it also reminds me of my roots, identity, hometown, and my family. I feel grateful that I am able to feel connected to the world via this seemingly mundane act.

And while some clinicians may say that I am being too “liberal” with the term, “mindfulness” when I say this but– you may already be practicing mindfulness without acknowledging it!

Activities such as, rock-climbing, knitting, painting, pottery, and baking are great opportunities/mediums to practice mindfulness. When we give ourselves credit for being able to partake in such skillful activities, we can feel more confident to take on other traditional forms of mindfulness and meditation practices.

Reflecting back, playing the flute and competing in sports (soccer and track & field) when I was growing up were mindfulness practices for me. In addition, participating in such hobbies was also a form of sublimation, a defense mechanism, in which I was able to channel my negative thoughts and frustrations into such constructive outlets. Those activities required great focus mentally and physically. It’s hard to ruminate when you’re concentrating on the breathing, fingering, and phrasing of the music piece. To this day, my fingers still fidget automatically to certain notes I hear due to muscle memory. Even the sequences of my feet placement for triple jumping in track & field are seared into my brain since high school. “Right, right, left, both… Right right, left both…” When I was distracted for even a second, I was more prone to make mistakes.

I like to perceive such “mistakes” in these activities as haptic feedback, where it “snaps” us back into reality/the present moment when our attention has wandered. And how we respond to such haptics goes a long way, too. If we engage in judgmental/negative talk such as, “Oh my G_d, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” we are inclined to make more errors and become even more distracted. However, if we gently steer ourselves back with an encouraging tone like, “Oops, that’s okay… Let’s return our focus again,” we are better able to resume the activity at our peak performance. Traditional forms of mindfulness and meditation can be viewed through the same lens. The more we practice such skills, the more natural and uncomplicated it will feel.

If mindfulness still seems foreign or intimidating to you, I propose that you try weaving it into more palatable habits that you already do on a daily basis such as, walking or showering.

Are you able to bring your attention to the current space and hone-in your five senses? What do you see? What do you hear? What do you taste? What can you touch? What do you smell? Gently bring your awareness back to the current moment whenever you sense your mind wandering. Tell yourself that this is another form of self-care, where you are slowing down and intentionally making time for some TLC (tender loving care).

We can accept that the beginning stages will feel like swimming against the current. Eventually, we can get to the point where we feel like we are tubing in a lazy river. When we practice such skills consistently, we can decrease our inclination to mindlessly “hustle,” or to sprint into the abyss with our heads jutting out of our necks. It’s okay if we fall off the bandwagon from time to time. Say “oops,” and ride again, as we appreciate how much we’ve accomplished already and where we are now.

Future-you will thank you for taking the time today for bearing the discomfort. Focusing on the present can lead to a better future.